I think it's going to be okay (TW)

Camp is....not how I expected to be. Everything was peachy keen up until yesterday and today was just downright awful.

It took a 30 minute phone call to ZS and some goldfish to get me calmed down, but I think it's going to be okay.

I spent my last lab extremely depressed. When I'm going through a HUGE, depressive low, it's sort of like the front of my head is weighed down (it makes sense to me). I really wanted to cut and started crying a bit and walked back to the dorms alone and started to deconstruct my razor.

My roommate came in and ZS called and that kind of made me feel better.

So I decided that it's okay if my camp experience doesn't meet all of my expectations. As long as I get something out of camp, it will be okay. There are plenty of novice who start sophomore year and do great. One of our lab leaders started policy junior year and is still a good debater in college.

Yeah it's all alright
I guess it's all alright
I got nothing left inside of my chest but it's all alright

And this relates to my videos how?

I receive some of the most ridiculous comments on my YouTube videos. A lot of them are just downright bigoted (either about Islam or feminism or both) or plain old ignorant.

I put up a video about why people need to stop harassing Laci Green and most of the (very few) comments were from anti-theists about how she's not Islamophobic and it's okay to hate Muslims. One even said that I was victimizing her.

That's an entirely different debate, but people, come on! Did you not even bother watching the entire video? Her prejudice(s) was not the main point! My point was that despite what she's said before, SHE DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE HARASSED.

(image source -- article not related to blog post)

Essentially I'm kind of defending Laci Green, so why is everyone jumping on me? In fact, how do these people find my videos? Aren't most of my subscribers Muslim? Subscribers, where y'all at?

I also mentioned that she has made other bigoted statements, not just the ones on Islam. I'm surprised nobody is complaining about those.

Reading Diary Entries from 2nd-7th grade

• I was a very, very, very angry child.
• I was severely depressed.
• I usually wrote the date and the time of the entries. Based off of that, I was up late a lot because of insomnia.
• Did I really use the f-word THAT much? 
• In 5th grade?!
• I dropped the f-bomb in my diary MULTIPLE TIMES in the FIFTH GRADE?!
• I wrote about boys a lot.
• Too much.
• I hated my parents.
• And everyone, really. 
• Did I seriously think I was better than everyone else? 
• Looking back, I would not re-do my childhood. Not a very happy time.
• Am I ashamed of who I was? 
• Not at all. Not one bit.

This is my safe space

i'm glad i have a place to be myself. i can shed my layers and just be me, with my core.

lately i've been very angry and upset and hopeless about a lot of things. my only beacon of hope is UTNIF, but the beacon is dying out.

meanwhile, there's a lot of drama going on with my mom's awful boyfriend. i'm really trying not to go into some sort of homicidal rage.

i also don't know how i'm going to back up my tumblog. tumblr's backup app is shit. i don't want it on the web but i want to be able to look back at the bits and pieces of who i was, like my blogspot.

*sigh*
sigh, sigh, sigh

Eta,

You can't help other people until you help yourself.

You can't change the world until you change yourself.

Take a deep breath. You have only walked the Earth for fifteen years. You don't have to know everything about yourself, about the world, about anything. Just try to humble yourself and learn as much as possible.

To Clear One's Head (TW)

I never realized this until reading my summer reading (How to Read Literature like a Professor, by Thomas C. Foster), but some people are vampires.

Foster says that a character doesn't necessarily have to literally suck people's blood to be a vampire. Some characters drain the life out of people in the metaphorical sense.

This concept of metaphorical vampirism doesn't just apply to literature.

Some people take everything away but don't give anything back. 

Last night was the umpteenth time my mom broke up with her boyfriend. They went out to dinner last night and she had planned on breaking up with him, but just couldn't. And even while she was screaming at him to get out of the house, he stayed.

I have watched her self esteem crash and burn while she has been with him for the past two/three years and I am sick and tired of him walking all over her and then the next day everything being all hunky-dory and crap.

Every day I have to think about him because that's all she talks about is work and him. And if she's not talking about him she's talking to him and I have to hear the awful, half-sobbing phone calls from behind the bedroom door.

He is a vampire.

And I fucking hate him. 

What Moonrise Kingdom taught me

Two days ago my mom took me to see Moonrise Kingdom.

It's a beautiful film with great music. Loved the storyline and the humor, though it totally fails the Bechdel test and has no POC in it (there was one Asian boy sitting in the background. *sigh*).

Anyways, as Suzi and Sam run away and are absorbed in their own struggles, the plot progresses and reveals that each of the adults has their own issues too. Like, major issues.

I'm not good at reading critically and analyzing media and whatnot, but I do enjoy it. I've learned that maybe your crazy childish fantasies aren't that crazy at all when the adults around you have totally fucked up problems too.