Reading Diary Entries from 2nd-7th grade

• I was a very, very, very angry child.
• I was severely depressed.
• I usually wrote the date and the time of the entries. Based off of that, I was up late a lot because of insomnia.
• Did I really use the f-word THAT much? 
• In 5th grade?!
• I dropped the f-bomb in my diary MULTIPLE TIMES in the FIFTH GRADE?!
• I wrote about boys a lot.
• Too much.
• I hated my parents.
• And everyone, really. 
• Did I seriously think I was better than everyone else? 
• Looking back, I would not re-do my childhood. Not a very happy time.
• Am I ashamed of who I was? 
• Not at all. Not one bit.

The Root of my current Awkwardness

I know that I am INCREDIBLY socially awkward. This started when I was in eighth grade. I had recently converted to Islam and my parents were super pissed. They moved me to school B from school A and I knew I would be going to school C (the largest school in my state) for high school with the majority of kids from all around the city (basically I'd be seeing most of my friends from school A one year later for high school).

Having a very conservative view of Islam, I decided I would end my jihad of talking to boys when I moved to school B (This didn't work out at all by the way, and after a bit I realized that carrying out a casual conversation with a member of the opposite sex isn't a sin. It's okay.). I also decided I would stay loyal to all my friends at school A and totally isolate myself from everyone at school B (This also didn't work out. I'm an ambivert, so I need SOME friends, plus you can be loyal to your old friends while making new ones).

On top of separating myself from most of the students, my depression got really bad and I wasn't dealing with it so well, especially since my parents were not around for me and I wasn't seeing my therapist.

So the year of awkwardness and isolation began. I had a small circle of really great friends, some of whom I still talk to, but I never totally fit in and wasn't really making an effort to have a social life. I conversed with people from an internet forum that I visited frequently (thank GOD I stopped posting there) and read a lot (something that I don't do as much, unfortunately).

I don't know how to get over the awkwardness that I let take over myself. Eighth grade was probably the worst year of my life and I'm still recovering.

Toxicity; Inhale Love, Exhale Hate: On Tumblr

I initially joined Tumblr after TMIing on my first Blogspot (Which is now long gone, praise the Lord). I joined because several online acquaintances had blogs there and it seemed interesting. So I joined and followed a few photoblogs, some Islamic blogs, and a feminist blog.

Fast forward a little more than a year later and Tumblr is absolutely NUTS. I have 400+ followers and over 12,000 posts. And the toxic drama that goes on is ridiculous. MUSLIMS cursing at other Muslims and calling them shayateen. "Social Justice" bloggers cursing at people (There is no point in calling someone out on their bigotry if you're going to scream at them. They are MUCH less likely to learn how their actions are harmful to others when the person telling them so is being harmful). Annoying site owners who don't listen to/threaten users. Tumblr is an absolute zoo.

Part of me wants to delete my blog (I've decided to white it out temporarily) but I don't want to lose touch with the amazing people I've met. I like being able to look back through my archive and see how much I've changed and look at all the bits and pieces of myself. There's DEFINITELY stuff in there that I don't agree with now.

Unfortunately, parts of me seem to have changed for the worse. I don't quite have the same passion for politics and current events that I used to. I don't know if that's because of my depression flaring up again or being so jaded. And I have fallen into the toxic pit of doom that many other users have; there are a few Tumblr users whose sheer existence annoys the living crap out of me.

I'm trying to change those things though. My time Tumbling and working with Memory Project has taught me that if you hate something, you do not need to bottle it up. A year ago I was a very angry teenager. I was angry at my family, at my friends, at my teachers, the government, myself, and the world in general. That anger was being poured into my Blogspot, my posts on an online forum (Which I left several months ago; that was also a very positive change that I made in my life, Alhamdulilah), and my conversations with friends (Most of whom I only knew online).

I've learned that it's OKAY to be angry. But bottling up your rage does more harm than good. Taking your rage out on others is no good. You have to turn your anger into positive change or make something beautiful.

It's exactly like what my coach taught me to do with my nervous ball of nerves and anxiety during debate tournaments: channel all of your nervous energy and use it to perform well.

I don't quite know what kind teenager I am now. I'm not quite angry, but I'm definitely still stubborn and challenging of authority (However, I've been that way my entire life and don't think that will ever change). I'm passionate, but maybe not as passionate (A side effect of depression? Have I already been jaded?). And I'm still outspoken, but definitely not as outspoken as I used to be. I'm still very awkward (I know the cause of this problem though, which is an ENTIRELY different post).  I don't know. But I've learned a lot in the past year or so.