also, posts to make:

• my history of depression
• my long and complicated relationship with islam
• anxiety over debate camp
• goals for ramadan

The Root of my current Awkwardness

I know that I am INCREDIBLY socially awkward. This started when I was in eighth grade. I had recently converted to Islam and my parents were super pissed. They moved me to school B from school A and I knew I would be going to school C (the largest school in my state) for high school with the majority of kids from all around the city (basically I'd be seeing most of my friends from school A one year later for high school).

Having a very conservative view of Islam, I decided I would end my jihad of talking to boys when I moved to school B (This didn't work out at all by the way, and after a bit I realized that carrying out a casual conversation with a member of the opposite sex isn't a sin. It's okay.). I also decided I would stay loyal to all my friends at school A and totally isolate myself from everyone at school B (This also didn't work out. I'm an ambivert, so I need SOME friends, plus you can be loyal to your old friends while making new ones).

On top of separating myself from most of the students, my depression got really bad and I wasn't dealing with it so well, especially since my parents were not around for me and I wasn't seeing my therapist.

So the year of awkwardness and isolation began. I had a small circle of really great friends, some of whom I still talk to, but I never totally fit in and wasn't really making an effort to have a social life. I conversed with people from an internet forum that I visited frequently (thank GOD I stopped posting there) and read a lot (something that I don't do as much, unfortunately).

I don't know how to get over the awkwardness that I let take over myself. Eighth grade was probably the worst year of my life and I'm still recovering.

Toxicity; Inhale Love, Exhale Hate: On Tumblr

I initially joined Tumblr after TMIing on my first Blogspot (Which is now long gone, praise the Lord). I joined because several online acquaintances had blogs there and it seemed interesting. So I joined and followed a few photoblogs, some Islamic blogs, and a feminist blog.

Fast forward a little more than a year later and Tumblr is absolutely NUTS. I have 400+ followers and over 12,000 posts. And the toxic drama that goes on is ridiculous. MUSLIMS cursing at other Muslims and calling them shayateen. "Social Justice" bloggers cursing at people (There is no point in calling someone out on their bigotry if you're going to scream at them. They are MUCH less likely to learn how their actions are harmful to others when the person telling them so is being harmful). Annoying site owners who don't listen to/threaten users. Tumblr is an absolute zoo.

Part of me wants to delete my blog (I've decided to white it out temporarily) but I don't want to lose touch with the amazing people I've met. I like being able to look back through my archive and see how much I've changed and look at all the bits and pieces of myself. There's DEFINITELY stuff in there that I don't agree with now.

Unfortunately, parts of me seem to have changed for the worse. I don't quite have the same passion for politics and current events that I used to. I don't know if that's because of my depression flaring up again or being so jaded. And I have fallen into the toxic pit of doom that many other users have; there are a few Tumblr users whose sheer existence annoys the living crap out of me.

I'm trying to change those things though. My time Tumbling and working with Memory Project has taught me that if you hate something, you do not need to bottle it up. A year ago I was a very angry teenager. I was angry at my family, at my friends, at my teachers, the government, myself, and the world in general. That anger was being poured into my Blogspot, my posts on an online forum (Which I left several months ago; that was also a very positive change that I made in my life, Alhamdulilah), and my conversations with friends (Most of whom I only knew online).

I've learned that it's OKAY to be angry. But bottling up your rage does more harm than good. Taking your rage out on others is no good. You have to turn your anger into positive change or make something beautiful.

It's exactly like what my coach taught me to do with my nervous ball of nerves and anxiety during debate tournaments: channel all of your nervous energy and use it to perform well.

I don't quite know what kind teenager I am now. I'm not quite angry, but I'm definitely still stubborn and challenging of authority (However, I've been that way my entire life and don't think that will ever change). I'm passionate, but maybe not as passionate (A side effect of depression? Have I already been jaded?). And I'm still outspoken, but definitely not as outspoken as I used to be. I'm still very awkward (I know the cause of this problem though, which is an ENTIRELY different post).  I don't know. But I've learned a lot in the past year or so.

ramadan 1433

i know ramadan is going to be extremely hard for me this year. i may be able to spend about a week with my best friend, but i'll be at camp for 10 days during the sacred month. i've had low iman and haven't prayed regularly since last october. i've been telling myself that i'll pull it together and make it through ramadan but i don't know if i can.

i've found that when i pray fajr, the day usually falls into place prayer-wise. but i rarely pray fajr. i don't know how to keep myself together and motivated throughout the entire day. that is way too much.

27 more days until debate camp

All I need to do is mail off the forms, but I'm set.

I'm so ready for this. These 27 more days are going to drag, especially because I have to spend my days watching my mom's horrible dog, who insists on peeing in the house and chewing everything in sight.

I watched NFL Nats today and there were only 3 female champions out of the 14 people on the stage. it made me feel like the odds are stacked against me as a girl competing in forensics.

i'm worried that i wont' be a good debater, even after all the cross-x.com threads i've creeped, the rounds i've watched, the discussions about debate i've had, and the camp i'm going to. it just seems kinda of complicated right now, once you get down to the nitty-gritty, and i'm worried i'll be bad.

i'm afraid of failure.

there was an oratory about how our culture treats failure as a bad thing and how in other cultures, it's used as a point for teaching you how to learn and how it's more acceptable. it got 5th. it was an okay-ish oratyr.

Boiling Point

My 13-year-old sister and I are fed up with my mother. Lately she's been pretty awful. She decided to adopt this really small, ugly dog because apparently nobody loves her (and a dog will fix that problem?). She's gotten worse and not actually doing anything around the house but claiming that she does everything and yelling at us. We can't get the little kids to help out at all so we'll get half the house clean ourselves but then have to listen to her bitch about how messy everything is and how horrible her life is since she works two jobs and comes home to a messy house and has ungrateful children. She then proceeds to do nothing about said messy house and yells at my sister and me even more, doing absolutely nothing to solve her messy house issue (If she really wanted a clean house she would make the little kids work some and make sure they listen to us without throwing temper tantrums).

And on top of that, she has flat-out refused to pay for debate camp so far (the deadline for payment is in 7 days!), despite the fact that she said she had the money and promised, at the beginning of the Spring, that she would get me to camp no matter what. Normally I wouldn't be mad at her for not paying (because it is expensive), but the other kids are going to camp for much longer and for a much higher price, and it's a bit unfair that I have to sit at home all summer. Not only that, she promised. Now she won't pay and is considering barring me from going because apparently I'm never around to clean up her mess and raise her children.

And apparently everything I do is a waste. Because apparently, "school activities" like Memory Project and Forensics aren't that important, because it's just time wasted. Why spend the time publishing a book when I could be at home, taking care of my siblings? Why go to camp for a week when I could be at home, cleaning out someone else's closet or training my mother's dog? And if my mother decides to be merciful and let me have any kind of social life, it's always, "Well, what do I get out of it?" What am I, some kind of investment? As if I weren't already working my ass off at home, any free time that I get has to be paid for with more household chores, despite the fact that what I'm doing (in this case, getting a ride to school to work on the Memory Project book all day) has no effect on her, at all whatsoever. I'm not even asking her to drive me anywhere, let alone do ANYTHING, but I still have to sacrifice something for her.

It's like everything I do has to be of some benefit to her, while she does nothing but constantly yell at everyone around her and wallow in self-pity.

Where do I find the line between clutching my memories and completely letting them go?

I'm an extremely nostalgic person. I hold onto my memories and remember certain dates and times. I can tell you how I felt about certain issues exactly a year ago. I remember the day I flew out of the U.S. and headed to Ankara, Turkey (June 6, 2010-almost two years ago!) I remember random bits of my days. I'm committed to writing down every detail of my forensics tournaments because I cherish those memories so much. Remember my yearbook incident? I had as many people sign that puppy as possible and I'm still disappointed that I didn't have the chance to let as many people sign it as I wanted to.

I guess I cling to my memories because I'm depressed. Because living in the present kind of sucks, so I resort to living in the few happy moments of my past.

And I hang on to my happy moments because they're so rare.

That's one of the reasons why I've been afraid to go back on medication. Because I know that sometimes it will numb you. I don't want to give up the extreme happiness I experience-even though I know after every peak there is an extreme valley. I want to have the extreme happies but not the extreme sads. And being in high school, these may or may not be the best three years of my life (I certainly hope they aren't, but you never know). With depression, you can't have both. With medication, you can't have both.

...And this is where I find myself wishing that I could just be normal.

Memory Project Playlist

1. Fun- We are Young

2. The Wanted- Glad you Came

3. Radical Face- Welcome Home, Son

4. Florence + The Machine- Seven Devils

Insomnia

When most people are asleep, I'm awake.

Ever since I was nine, I've been staying up until sunrise and crashing. I don't know if it's a side effect of depression or a sleep disorder, but I have tried EVERYTHING to get me to sleep and nothing seems to work.

Ambien.

Reading for half an hour.

Relaxation CDs.

Hot milk.

Exercise.

Melatonin.

You name it, I've tried it. My psychologist has been telling me I need to get a sleep study for a while now and I need to bug my parents about it more (that's a totally different post).

I've sort of come to accept my insomnia, but at the same time, it drives me nuts. Laying in my bed tossing and turning for hours only to give up and head to my laptop or pick up a book or run to the kitchen is agonizing. The boredom of the wee hours is crushing. There's not much to do at 1 AM, especially when you're confined to a small house. I'm usually left to wallow in my own depression and sulk around, confronted with the fact that I have done nothing extraordinary with my life.

Nights are just plain lonely. There's no one around the house to talk to and nobody online. Speaking of online, the internet is just plain boring (yet addictive, which is an entirely new post). I don't have a lot of books, and there's nothing on TV at this hour.

I don't like living this way. I'm lucky to get five hours of sleep per night.

The lack of sleep is just killing me.

It's All Over

Just three days ago, I completed my last day of freshman year.

I kind of want to mourn the fact that it's over. Only three more years of high school!

Three years seems like so long, but so short all at the same time.

She took him Back

*sigh*

I didn't think it would happen this time.

I hope it ends soon.