2 AM. Counting today, there are 2 days of Ramadan left and 3 days of summer vacation.
I'm disappointed with my schedule. I'm frustrated with my parents. I'm mad at myself for only partially reaching my daily goals.
I could be finishing up my summer reading or praying qada prayers or reading Qur'an, but I'm sitting on my laptop and watching Chicago.
Well?
Am I depressed or am I just lazy?
Friday, August 17, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
I am not the Provider
I had $70 left over from camp and my mom has taken all of it. That money was supposed to pay for debate tournaments.
All of my birthday money? Gone. Got a few babysitting gigs and the money from those? Gone. Even the earliest Bat Mitzvah checks? Gone.
None of it has been paid back.
My money has been spent on gas, oil changes, rent, groceries, field trips for the little kids, dinner, and school supplies.
This has been going on for three years and I am beyond sick of it. I know it isn't entirely her fault but I am done. I have given up hundreds of dollars of my OWN money, much of it hard-earned, to provide for this family, and never once has anyone said thank you to me. Everyone is still just as awful as before and I'm doing a job that isn't mine. My parents need to be the ones providing for us and if they aren't, my savings shouldn't be suffering. When I was in fifth grade the savings account with over $500 of birthday money, money from doing odd jobs, and gifts from family members (specifically so i could have SOMETHING later on to pay for college or a car or whatever) was drained to pay the bills, as well as my college fund.
I'm tired of this. I'm done. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF PAYING BILLS I DO NOT OWE.
All of my birthday money? Gone. Got a few babysitting gigs and the money from those? Gone. Even the earliest Bat Mitzvah checks? Gone.
None of it has been paid back.
My money has been spent on gas, oil changes, rent, groceries, field trips for the little kids, dinner, and school supplies.
This has been going on for three years and I am beyond sick of it. I know it isn't entirely her fault but I am done. I have given up hundreds of dollars of my OWN money, much of it hard-earned, to provide for this family, and never once has anyone said thank you to me. Everyone is still just as awful as before and I'm doing a job that isn't mine. My parents need to be the ones providing for us and if they aren't, my savings shouldn't be suffering. When I was in fifth grade the savings account with over $500 of birthday money, money from doing odd jobs, and gifts from family members (specifically so i could have SOMETHING later on to pay for college or a car or whatever) was drained to pay the bills, as well as my college fund.
I'm tired of this. I'm done. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF PAYING BILLS I DO NOT OWE.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
The Red Shalwar Kameez
One of my best friends came over a week ago just to say goodbye because she's moving and I will probably never get to see her again.
She told me she had some clothes that she wanted to give to me because she would have to throw them out otherwise. I thought it would be a scarf or two and a pair of jeans. WRONG! It was at least four skirts, two kurtas, at least five scarves, and a red shalwar kameez complete with a dupatta.
the skirts and scarves and the kurtas i can wear (and probably will, seeing as i don't have a lot of clothes), but maybe not the shalwar kameez.
it's gorgeous. it's not extremely fancy and made out of satin-y silk-y material like the fancy ones (so it would be a be a bit too casual for eid or a desi party) but it would be perfect for going to the mosque (where at least 80% of the muslim community here is desi and people stare at you funny if you're not in a shalwar kameez or a sari or an abaya).
it's lightweight, but warm. it's extremely confortable. i would wear the pants all day every day if i could. but i don't want it, or any of the clothes she gave me.
because if they're in my closet, it means she's not here.
we have been good friends since seventh grade and her and her family are like extended family to me, even though we never hung out a lot outside of school. but they coached me in my islam and helped to guide me, as well as providing me with advice, rides to the mosque, knowledge, and amazing food.
the first time i went to the mosque to pray after becoming muslim was with them. and when Yy and her sister Mm forced me into a shalwar kameez for the first time before we could go to the mosque, their dad saw me and said, "You look like my third daughter!"
The red shalwar kameez is going to hang in my closet until maybe tomorrow when I go to tarawih with Ee and her family. Maybe I'll wear it. She said just wear jeans, but I want to wear the red shalwar kameez just for Yy and Mm and their little brother and their parents. I'll wear it only a few times, because I want it to be special. Just for them.
She told me she had some clothes that she wanted to give to me because she would have to throw them out otherwise. I thought it would be a scarf or two and a pair of jeans. WRONG! It was at least four skirts, two kurtas, at least five scarves, and a red shalwar kameez complete with a dupatta.
the skirts and scarves and the kurtas i can wear (and probably will, seeing as i don't have a lot of clothes), but maybe not the shalwar kameez.
it's gorgeous. it's not extremely fancy and made out of satin-y silk-y material like the fancy ones (so it would be a be a bit too casual for eid or a desi party) but it would be perfect for going to the mosque (where at least 80% of the muslim community here is desi and people stare at you funny if you're not in a shalwar kameez or a sari or an abaya).
it's lightweight, but warm. it's extremely confortable. i would wear the pants all day every day if i could. but i don't want it, or any of the clothes she gave me.
because if they're in my closet, it means she's not here.
we have been good friends since seventh grade and her and her family are like extended family to me, even though we never hung out a lot outside of school. but they coached me in my islam and helped to guide me, as well as providing me with advice, rides to the mosque, knowledge, and amazing food.
the first time i went to the mosque to pray after becoming muslim was with them. and when Yy and her sister Mm forced me into a shalwar kameez for the first time before we could go to the mosque, their dad saw me and said, "You look like my third daughter!"
The red shalwar kameez is going to hang in my closet until maybe tomorrow when I go to tarawih with Ee and her family. Maybe I'll wear it. She said just wear jeans, but I want to wear the red shalwar kameez just for Yy and Mm and their little brother and their parents. I'll wear it only a few times, because I want it to be special. Just for them.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
And, reasons why I need a job:
- To pay for all the tournaments I plan on going to
- To pay for 6 weeks at the UTNIF (which costs over $5,000)
- So that I can do SAT prep
- So that I can pay for college application fees
- So that I'll have something saved for college.
- So I can do things with and for my friends
- So that I can have more than three pairs of jeans.
- So that I can have shirts that fit me, instead of ones that are too small.
Goals for Sophomore Year
- Win at least 1 tournament
- Get 1st place at a tournament in extemp and oratory
- Go to Woodward
- Go to Berkely
- Get my license!
- 4.0 GPA!
- Get a job!
- Read a book each week
- Read/listen to the news each day
Things I need to balance:
Debate, drama, Student Congress, MUN, Memory Project, keeping my room clean, work, family, friends, my deen, sleep, internet usage, STAND, my mental health
Things I am going to do in the Car and while I am on Vacation (Instead of, you know, spending time with people):
- Read.
- Listen to lots of music.
- Do debate work.
- Cut my prose piece.
- I would say extemp and oratory work as well as cut cards, but I'm leaving my laptop behind because I feel crappy when I spend more than an hour on the internet each day (and also so my family can't accuse me of being addicted to the internet/not wanting to spend time with them).
- Finish a lanyard.
- Sleep.
And I have Failed Already
Ramadan is here, but I have not accomplished any of my goals, other than fasting and barely making my prayers five times a day.
I'm anxious for school to start. I don't want to leave town and see any of my family members. They give me too much anxiety.
Some people are anxious and they react by putting a lot of effort into things. I get anxious and depressed and shut down. I retreat into my cave. Part of me feels like if I had someone who was constantly guiding me and pushing me to get everything I need to done then I would be much better off. I realize that, with a couple exceptions, when I'm busy and constantly moving, I don't get depressed. The exception, of course, being in the last blog post.
Before I left camp and we were in the Skills Tournament Finals, the lab leaders were giving an overview of the lectures they were offering and I had to hold myself back from crying because everyone was going to learn so much and I was leaving. And then one of the lab leaders looked at me because I had this horribly depressed look on my face and said, "Next year," and it was, at least in that moment, all okay.
I'm anxious for school to start. I don't want to leave town and see any of my family members. They give me too much anxiety.
Some people are anxious and they react by putting a lot of effort into things. I get anxious and depressed and shut down. I retreat into my cave. Part of me feels like if I had someone who was constantly guiding me and pushing me to get everything I need to done then I would be much better off. I realize that, with a couple exceptions, when I'm busy and constantly moving, I don't get depressed. The exception, of course, being in the last blog post.
Before I left camp and we were in the Skills Tournament Finals, the lab leaders were giving an overview of the lectures they were offering and I had to hold myself back from crying because everyone was going to learn so much and I was leaving. And then one of the lab leaders looked at me because I had this horribly depressed look on my face and said, "Next year," and it was, at least in that moment, all okay.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)